Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
