babies were throwing up all over the place
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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