you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
