im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
