he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
