I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
