maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
