I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
