some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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