I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
