just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
