Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
