you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
