Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
