just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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