I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
