Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
