My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
