Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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