Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
