He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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