I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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