Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
