Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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