dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
That accounts for only three of the penises
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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