Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
