dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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