I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
