woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize