Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
