If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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