Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
His hands were made for my vagina.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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