careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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