i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
