pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
