She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
