I wanna bring you to show and tell
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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