Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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