This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
