Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
