I am puke
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
