I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
