I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You ruined the universe
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
