Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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