So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
