I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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