i jhust puked up my retainher.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
