My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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