I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
