he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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