Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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