how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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