This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
