I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Are we still banned from the library?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
