The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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