Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
