I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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