i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
