girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
