There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
