The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
