yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
