His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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