I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
