C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
